I’m realizing I have a problem. Maybe not a serious problem, but a problem. I’m realizing that I can’t NOT be busy. ( I can see my friends smacking their foreheads right now, “You’re only just realizing this, Devon?”) I think ever since I can remember I’ve been busy, cause being busy is part of who I am, and perhaps the identity I’ve made for myself – I just can’t not do something. Isn’t that a problem?
I guess I’ve always known I’m like that, and half the time (or 80% of the time) I probably complain about it. I complain about being busy yet I’m the one the does it to myself. Now doesn’t that sound weird? I make plans and plans and stress out over how busy I am, but then make more plans.
I never really thought about it as a problem until yesterday when I was speaking with a co-worker and I told her that both Friday night AND Saturday night I slept for 10 hours. TEN HOURS! Two nights in a row! And I realized I must have been very tired. And then I realized, I never just go to bed because my day is done or because it’s “bed time” or cause I’m kind of sleepy. I go to bed once I’ve worn myself to the bone with work or activities or talking or whatever I might “need” to be doing. I can’t remember the last time I went to bed when I wasn’t totally pooped.
Earlier in the day I invited some girlfriends over to watch The Bachelor. (It’s our girl/wine/snacks/sweats time. The best time.) When it turned out no one could come, on my way home from work I noticed my brain start racing about what I should do with my night. Go run errands? Find someone to meet up with for dinner? Finish answering my work emails? My personal emails? Work on this blog? Clean my condo? DEEP clean my condo? Run through my to-do list and finish as much as I can? Call my mom?
Why did it not occur to me that I could just get in my sweats and watch The Bachelor by myself? (Well…maybe because watching The Bachelor by yourself is kind of the equivalent of drinking by yourself. It’s only acceptable when you have the excuse of someone else doing it with you… But you get my point.) I almost never allow myself to just veg out unless I have completed exhausted myself.
Let me be clear, I’m not hating on TV and I’m not glorifying being busy. In fact, I’m loving on TV and knocking the concept of being busy.
Obviously, since you’re reading this, it did later occur to me that I could just veg the F out. (What a revelation.) But it almost made me panic a little bit. Because there is just so much to do! In this instance, because there was a lot on my to-do list. But even during the weekend, I would be panicking about doing nothing because I should be outside, or exploring San Diego, or visiting friends, or making memories and LIVING UP LIFE! And chilling out is not living up life. But chilling out IS enjoying life, and packing it all in/exhausting myself is not enjoying life. Why can I type that right now, but I know that I would struggle to actually live it?
So how does one just relax? How does one turn off their mind, stop thinking about the never ending to do list (because no matter how busy or not busy you are, there is always something that can be done), and all the fun things that are possible in the world and would be fun to do, and instead just be in the moment, treat themselves to doing nothing? Clearly I’ve never learned the art of meditation. If you can’t tell, I’m also the type of person that can’t stand yoga.
Any tips? Advice? Anyone who’s got my same problem??